for the first time. [c]

there are so many things going through his head -- that always run through his mind -- when he’s caught in this trap; when he’s far too gone in those eyes of his. they may not have been the first thing he noticed about evan when he was a child, but they’re what he goes to when he needs to confirm his place in this world. it’s strange, almost laughable when he thinks about it all; because he’s not the romantic. or if he is he doesn’t even know it himself. yet still all those thoughts are true, more so than he’ll admit to himself and kept silent to the boy who has always had such an effect on him. he couldn’t explain to evan how he felt -- knows he lacks the words to do it -- and his actions, they can’t measure up in comparison.

but he tries. little by little on those rare occasions he’s caught up in the tide of being close to the only person who makes up his whole life.

when evan moves noah stops, starstruck in place while the rest of the region slows to a halt. he notices the smile before anything else -- before evan leans forward and presses his lips against his. and soon he’s smiling too -- small compared to the others -- into a kiss he wishes were longer. he’s tempted to pull the boy into another, even follow him when he pulls away; and he’s not sure how he stayed still to watch those features return to his sights like before.

there’s this small laugh biting at his smile, forced down but shown within his eyes that stare, mesmerized, at the other. “of course you don’t.” he says, barely whispering the words from under his breath; and he doesn’t mean it as an insult. he doesn’t care if evan listens or not; is happy to repeat anything for him no matter how many times. “maybe it’s not what i’ve always said, but do you remember that day in the apartment? when the power had gone out and it was raining.” he sees it all play out in his head, silently replaying the scenes that lead up to it. the power going out in the region, the turn in weather that left the city void of noise beside the pounding of rain. he remembers them soaked, coming back to their new home -- too awkward for their own good -- before letting one event after another lead them together where they stayed. it was a playful fight that brought them to the bed, a kiss that lead to a confession.

“just… remember what i said. that’s all.” he begins, lowering his hands from the boys face -- and his smile changes (just slightly) when he words die out. it’s strange that he can’t bring himself to say those words again -- knows deep down somewhere that it’s fine -- but yet he can’t seem to grasp it. he leans back a little, raises one of his hands again to the side of evans face, interlacing his fingers with his hair; and he’s silent for a minute. caught in the moment of just watching evan near him. “understand?”

[attr="class","zv4"]O how he loves you, darling boy. O how, like always, he invents the monsters underneath the bed to get you to sleep next to him, chest to chest or chest to back, the covers drawn around you in an act of faith against the night.

there’s so many things he wants to ask about that day -- about all the others that followed up until this point, where he’s here staring at the one person who ever really mattered to him. it’s all too much to sort through in his head, and when he thinks he has everything covered -- when he feels like he’s able to go up to evan and say what needs to be said -- something comes up. it’s his worries one day, plagued by what-ifs and possible outcomes he would rather not face, and the next it’s outsider interruptions. whatever had brought them together again in that far off region after all those years apart seemed to want him in the dark, constantly questioning things over in his head rather than aloud to the only person who may hold the answers.

another possibility. what if when he asks evan doesn’t know; that maybe he was plagued with the same confusion and bittersweet endings like he was. he guesses that wouldn’t be so bad, despite knowing they both would leave with no real answers to where they stood. maybe, deep down where that small bit of optimism still clings, noah thinks that outcome would be the best out of all. that it would give them both the chance to tell the other what they feel, what they are to each other -- because right now they’re different. no longer between friendship and confusion, but farther down the spectrum; and he has no experience with this area whatsoever.

if only he was better with words. if only he could explain everything and didn’t fear the idea of losing evan to this mess -- because if that fear left him (he thinks) things would be different. he’d be able to tell evan where he wants their relationship to be; that he wants to abandoned their friendship for something similar but much more. he wouldn’t be afraid to tell him three simple words he had been able to say in the past, because if that fear was gone he’d have told evan it so many times, over and over again...


that warmth -- so mild and just barely there against his skin -- seeps down into him, reminds him of where he is and what’s happening. a simple touch, that’s all that was, but it’s everything to him. his eyes watch the hand against his before falling from those fingers to those strands of hair that fall against his face, and next noah is staring into those eyes again. he’s transfixed for a second until he notices the difference from only minutes ago; but before he says anything he pauses, watches as evan leans up to kiss him. from there time stops, everything slows until completely still, and when he’s able to focus again those eyes are gone.

“horrors huh,” the words just barely leave his lips -- his attention fading to his thoughts -- and he nearly misses the small, half-hearted joke evan gives. he hears a phone ring, not here -- not now -- but in the past, within a clock tower of broken glass and abandonment. he sees a man tempting him higher and higher -- playing with his worry and fears -- and he goes along with it. the rest… “i’ll always come to your rescue.” he says, taking a step away from where he stood -- and he turns his attention to something else (somewhere else) besides evan.

when his eyes watch the pond -- scanning the surface until he finds the shadow again -- he’s half expecting to see his pokemon long gone; but there she is, pawing at the tide like before. “you’re right, we should be getting back. that’s all i need is for that dog to take off on me right now.” he takes a step in the direction of his starter, pauses when he goes to take another. “want to walk with me over there? she’s… calmer when you’re around.” it’s an excuse. truthfully all he wants is evan near him still, even if he isn’t in the best mindset for company. “if not i can meet you back at the center.”

[attr="class","zv4"]O how he loves you, darling boy. O how, like always, he invents the monsters underneath the bed to get you to sleep next to him, chest to chest or chest to back, the covers drawn around you in an act of faith against the night.

he shouldn’t have said anything -- never pushed back when evan started to tease him -- because if he hadn’t this feeling between them wouldn’t have surfaced. it hangs in the air, against his shoulders and drags him down. no matter how many times he tells himself it’s not there the feeling persists, gets stronger -- heavier -- until all he wants to do is stop. give into the pressure it exerts and just stop. it always ends up this way, he thinks, eyes glancing to the damp ground below him. he watches the water gently rise, washing up against the dirt and grass; and this time he doesn’t move. it does nothing, retreats back into the body of water before evan can answer him; yet his eyes follow the movement in silence. i’m sorry.

when he asked if evan wanted to join him to retrieve their pokemon there’s a part of him that wants the boy to leave -- to choose the latter and walk away from this strange tension he’s feeling. it’s out of fear that he’ll say something else, not say something -- do something or not do it -- that’ll end this night on a made note. when evan speaks noahs eyes narrow, glaring momentarily at the ground that has caught most of his attention. he opens his mouth to speak, closes it when he feels the small nudge on his shoulder that sends him half a step forward -- and as evan walks past with a small smile for him to see he quiets completely. it’s gone before he knows it and everything is how it was before this mess had started, except this time the air isn’t as light -- there’s no feeling of warmth -- and he isn’t running to catch up.

there’s nothing to be said as he walks behind him, and only when evan stops does noah do the same a step before. he cuts the remaining space between them as he watches the pokemon evan calls out for, notices as the swablu begins to hop towards them then stares at his own starter. her tail is up, pointed high into the air with her head turned towards them -- and she howls before slowly making her way towards them, watching the surrounding area for anything she may have missed.

he isn’t sure if he should bring anything up, comment about anything -- because maybe evan doesn’t feel it too -- or speak up. he isn’t sure about a lot of things anymore. “hey,” he begins, pausing for a moment with his eyes towards their pokemon. his attention isn’t towards them, only to the boy beside him and that brief image of the look in his eyes moments before. “are you okay?”